Grapevine, Texas: The Real Unreal

There are five Meows Wolf in the United States. I discovered the first in Santa Fe and by accident, stumbling around in a drunken stupor, not yet acclimated to the impact of altitude on alcohol metabolism. It was transformative. I spent eight hours in a warehouse in the middle of the desert, breathing in synthetic …

Alamosa, Colorado: The Great Sand Dunes

Sand. The Great Sand Dunes National Park was, without a doubt, the largest pile of sand I'd ever seen. And climbed. Forever. There was only one significant hike on offer, called the High Dune loop. It was not a trail or a loop in any traditional sense, but a vague suggestion made by Alltrails about …

Denver, Colorado: Convergence Station

In the greatest betrayal of my career, Meow Wolf Denver opened at 5pm. I checked out of the hotel at 10 and had to find a way to kill 7 hours on a weekday in Denver. I reverted to a more primitive form and pretended to like craft beer again. The vibes in both bars …

Montrose, Colorado: Black Canyon of the Gunnison

Black Canyon was a welcome palette cleanser after the population density at Arches. Plenty of parking at the trailhead, and nobody at the ranger's station but me and a wook-errant. He gaped at the map, uncomprehending, glassy eyes framed by blond dreadlocks. I ate a pb&j and watched him sink deeper into his K-hole like …

Moab, Utah: The Canyonlands

Utah has three tightly grouped national parks a few hours from Albuquerque. In my infinite hubris, I thought I could see all three of them in one day. The decision to see Canyonlands first was made by sheer proximity. It was the right one, fortunately. Canyonlands is divvied into four sections: The Needles, the Maze, …

Tularosa, New Mexico: White Sands

There was one substantial hike in the stretch of desert that Donnie T made a national park in 2019, and it was called the Alkali Flat trail. https://www.instagram.com/p/DPMUfnTjm3P/ Foreboding from the jump. I doubted 5 miles of sand and sun would kill me, but I brought my gallon, just in case. A series of orange …

Carlsbad, New Mexico: Guadalupe Mountains and the plight of the Carlsbad bats

As much as I'd like to spend a week at each national park, I'm extremely employed. Time is of the essence. My plan is to do one good hike at each of the places, more if I can squeeze them in. My plan failed immediately. Carlsbad Caverns stops selling tickets at 2pm, when I was …

Houston, Texas: Radio Tave

Socketed in the Houston cesspool like a diamond in a cowflop is Radio Tave, the Meow Wolf appendage of interdimensional musicianship at the expense of a cohesive narrative. Fortunately, I am a titan of willfully sacrificing cohesive narration. https://www.instagram.com/p/DPF3R_7jFFf/ The community radio station's extensive paper trail introduced the manic pixie dream queers who worked there …

Houston, Texas: Calamity Sequence

I was warned not to stay anywhere south of I-40 because of the cartels. "That's all of Texas," I said. "Has Texas fallen to the cartel?" Maybe it would have been better if it did. It certainly would have for me, I watched the Cell saga in its entirety. At least the cartel gets things …

A Pending Westward Expansion

I wish I thought of a better name than Bastard Travel. Welp, no use crying over eight-year spilled milk. Your intrepid narrator sits in the Avoca airport which is distinct from most airports in that it doesn't reek of urine and nobody seems to be in psychosis. It's small, clean, and quiet. It felt like …